


Us And Them

by ronsparkyspeirs



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Inspired by Music, Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-15
Updated: 2016-04-15
Packaged: 2018-06-02 08:35:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6559546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ronsparkyspeirs/pseuds/ronsparkyspeirs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He remembers taking Rebecca to see Snow White. One of those rare times he actually had money to spare, she’d been so happy, she had hugged him and declared him the best big brother in the entire world. He remembers the colors, bright and bold. Snow White with her black hair and ruby red lips, he thinks of her as he watches this sleeping girl on the couch.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Us And Them

He remembers taking Rebecca to see Snow White. One of those rare times he actually had money to spare, she’d been so happy, she had hugged him and declared him the best big brother in the entire world. 

 

He remembers the colors, bright and bold. Snow White with her black hair and ruby red lips, he thinks of her as he watches this sleeping girl on the couch. 

 

He wonders if she'd wake if he were to kiss her. 

 

“Buck?” Steve whispers from the elevator, and it's only when Steve reaches his side that he realizes how menacing he must look, watching a girl sleep. 

 

He’d gotten up in the middle of the night for a glass of milk, only to find none in the kitchen of Steve’s apartment, so he had decided to check the commons kitchen instead. It would be safe, this late at night, no one would be hanging around the place. Upon his arrival, Steve had made it very clear that he wasn't allowed to go exploring on his own, his mind still fragile and his psyche still healing from decades of torture. He’d met the rest of the Avengers, and they were nice enough but didn't go out of their way to make conversation with him, which he understood. 

 

But then he was in the kitchen and he could hear someone breathing over on the couch and when he looked, it was a girl he’d never seen before. Long, dark hair, pale skin, and a set of plush lips that made Bucky ache for something he’d forgotten a long, long time ago. 

 

“You okay, Bucky?” Steve asks, tentatively.

 

He nods, she looks like a marble statue, flawless if it wasn't for the black framed glasses held askew over her nose. Bucky reaches out his right hand, intent on touching her, seeing if she's warm or cold, but he feels Steve stiffen beside him. He pulls back and turns on his heel and leaves Steve there; on the ride back to their shared apartment in the elevator, Steve speaks, “Her name is Darcy.”

 

******

 

He spends most of his time alone, Steve doesn't drag him out to team get-togethers and Bucky understands the reason for that. He's alone but he's never really lonely, not with his scattered memories and the sight of Steve every morning as they have breakfast together. 

 

He doesn't think he's dangerous, Bucky took care of most of his triggers before allowing Steve to find him and bring him back to the Avengers compound, but still, whenever Steve has to leave for a mission, Bucky makes the conscious decision to steer clear of everyone else. He knows that the only person who could ever put him down if it came to that is Steve, and most likely the alien prince, but he's usually off world. So he stays by himself, in his and Steve's rooms, catches up on everything that happened whenever he was asleep, watches movies, writes down things he remembers. 

 

He writes about the people he remembers killing too, it's his own memorial, his only chance to ask for forgiveness. Steve catches him one night, writing down Howard Stark’s name in a spiral notebook, over and over, till it fills the page with his messy scrawl. 

 

“Buck,” Steve begins, a grimace forming on his face. 

 

“It's okay,” he answers, “I  _ want  _ to remember.” 

 

Steve must mention it to Tony because one day when Steve is away for a week long mission, FRIDAY summons him to Tony’s lab. He arrives and the ear splitting music being played threatens to damage his hearing, super serum or not. 

 

“Music off!” Tony shouts and Bucky sags with relief. 

 

“Hey! What happened to the music?” Darcy yells, from somewhere beneath a deadly looking contraption. 

 

They’d never officially met, but then again, Bucky hadn't been properly introduced to  _ anyone  _ upon his arrival at the new Avengers headquarters. 

 

“We have a guest, Lewis,” Tony answers, wiping his hands on a blue colored rag. 

 

“Is it Janey?” she asks, grunting as she makes her way from under the thing that Bucky now recognizes as a very large engine. “Oh!” Darcy exclaims, “you're definitely not Jane,” she mutters, and Bucky can see a grease stain on her left cheek, hair in disarray, torn jeans and a baggy shirt with the Stark enterprises logo in the middle. 

 

Bucky remembers the last time he saw her, lying asleep on a couch, looking peaceful with her pale skin, like a porcelain doll, so much in contrast with the girl that stands before him now. All expressive eyes and a slight pink tint to her cheeks, she clears her throat and Bucky realizes that he's been staring. He promptly  turns towards Stark, “You called?” 

 

Tony smirks, “Yeah, I want to take a look at your arm,” he motions to the metal appendage on display, Bucky never bothers to cover it up in the building, everyone knows that he has it, so there's really no point. 

 

“Okay,” Bucky responds slowly, but Tony just ignores his unsettled tone and gestures for him to sit in a swivel chair by one of the many work tables. He follows and sits, arms tense and back ramrod straight, check ups on his arm usually followed a mission, with blank faced doctors and curious scientists that poked and prodded with no care as to who they were hurting. 

 

“Hey, relax, alright?” Tony grins, “I'll take it slow.”

 

Bucky sags in his seat a little but he can feel the sweat pooling on his upper lip, phantom pains in his head when he remembers the things he endured in that god forsaken chair. 

 

“Lewis! Come over here,” Tony says, and Darcy walks over, her sneakers squeaking on the tiled floor. 

 

“Yeah, boss man?” 

 

“Just stand here and distract our dear James, won't you?” Tony says, as he picks up a little screwdriver. 

 

“Uh…”

 

Bucky looks at her and thinks she doesn't even have to do that, not with the way she looks. Soft hair and plush lips, she looks like a Vargas girl, like the kind of girl all the guys back in basic would have liked to gone to a dance with. 

 

Her cheeks redden prettily and Tony laughs, Bucky visibly stiffens when he realizes that he's said the last part out loud. 

 

“I'm sorry,” he tells her, faintly and contrite. 

 

“No,” Darcy shakes her head, “believe me, it's way better than the things some other guys have said to me.” 

 

She stands on the other side of the table, occasionally passing Tony several tools, Stark hums under his breath but Bucky stays silent, and Darcy smiles shyly whenever her eye catches his. 

 

*******

 

The next day a record is delivered to his room. A prism on a black background, the spectrum of light shining from one side of the triangle. Bucky doesn't recognize the name or the cover art but attached to it is a yellow post-it note with Tony’s handwriting. 

 

_ It helps, when the world feels like it's closing in- TS  _

 

That night he plays it on the record player in his and Steve's living room, by the end of it Bucky is silently crying and he hasn't felt so at peace since before the war. 

 

********

 

He listens to the record on repeat, he memorizes certain lyrics and writes them down in his notebook. Bucky wishes that his skin wouldn’t heal the way it does, that way he could get the lines tattooed on his body, a reminder to look at everyday whenever he’s feeling out of sorts with himself. Steve returns from his mission and finds Bucky laying on the carpet next to the record player, “What’s this?” Steve asks, a duffel bag hanging from his shoulder and a small grin on his face. 

 

“It’s called Dark Side of The Moon,” Bucky explains, as electronic sounds fill the room, the distant sound of a man laughing. 

 

“Never heard it,” Steve says, his head tilting as he listens in concentration. 

 

“Stark gave it to me,” Bucky tells him, and Steve nods. He steps aside and leaves Bucky on the floor, later when the record is still playing and Steve is cooking dinner, they listen together and by the end of the third play, Steve has a favorite song. 

 

*********

 

A week later has Bucky carrying around an Ipod that Sam bought him, he filled it with Bucky’s favorite record and a whole bunch others that Sam tells him he just  _ has  _ to listen to. They’re good, music like nothing he ever heard growing up but so full of emotions of every kind, it’s a little overwhelming at first but Bucky takes it slow. He goes through everything and by the end of it, the album with the prism on the cover is still his favorite. 

 

He learns through Steve that Darcy is currently being employed by Tony because Jane is in Asgard with Thor, attending some diplomatic meetings or something. 

 

“You should go down and see her sometime,” Steve tells him. 

 

“Why?” 

 

Steve shrugs, “I’m sure she wouldn’t mind the company.” 

 

“Why don’t you go, then?” 

 

And Bucky’s not sure why he’s putting up so much of a fuss, if he’s being truthful with himself (and he’s not, not really) he would really enjoy being around Darcy but he has a feeling that Stark mentioned what he said last time he was around the girl and that just doesn’t sit right with him. He doesn’t think of her as some skirt to be chased around, he doesn’t really know her well but Bucky can tell she’s more than that. 

 

Steve sighs, “Because I’m not “cool” like you,” he says, and Bucky pulls a face because since when has  _ he _ been hip. “You can talk about music,” Steve tells him, enthusiastically. 

 

You’re not gonna let this go, are you?” 

 

“No.” 

 

So after supper Bucky makes his way down to Tony's workshop, hoping Darcy will be there since he doesn't know what he’ll say to Stark if she's not. The doors open and Stark is sat hunched over a delicate looking piece of equipment, while Darcy dances around with one of the small robots that always seem to roam around Tony's space. 

 

She startles when she sees him by the entrance, and Bucky gives her a little wave. Darcy smiles at his gesture and walks towards him, “Taking my lunch break, boss, be back in an hour,” she says, picking up her large  handbag and swinging it over shoulder, Tony makes some sort of acknowledging sound and he and Darcy walk out of the lab. 

 

“Steve said you might be stopping by,” she tells him, and Bucky can feel an embarrassing flush begin in his cheeks. 

 

“Hmm,” he nods. 

 

“Dark Side of The Moon is one of the greatest records ever made, y’know?” 

 

And as they sit in the cafeteria, Darcy tells him all sorts of facts about the band and the record itself, facts that he has a sneaking suspicion she looked up before their meeting; from the way she recites them. It makes him feel good that she cared enough, that she didn't brush off his growing obsession with this piece of music. 

 

“We should watch The Wizard of Oz, one of these days,” Darcy tells him, excitement in her eyes. 

 

“I've seen it before,” Bucky actually watched it when it was originally released and he doesn't understand the sudden change in topic. 

 

Darcy chews on her turkey sandwich, “I guess I should explain,” she says, “if you play the record you can actually sync it up to the movie, it goes almost perfectly with the narrative.” 

 

“Really?” And now it's Bucky's turn to sound excited because that sounds really interesting. 

 

“Yep,” Darcy grins, “they call it Dark Side of The Rainbow.” 

 

The next day, after Darcy finishes her work and Bucky meets with his therapist, she queues up the movie on a large projector screen in one of the common rooms reserved for members of the Avengers. She makes popcorn and gets them both a large cherry coke, as she settles in beside him on the couch, the movie starts playing and by the end of the lion’s third roar, the record is playing. 

 

It's like nothing Bucky’s ever seen, or been part of. An attack to his senses, visually and audibly, it makes no sense but at the same time it does, the scenes with the Wicked Witch of the West become even more terrifying with their current soundtrack. To his side, he can hear Darcy breathing, can feel the warmth radiating from her body, Bucky chances a look and he doesn't think he's ever seen someone look so beautiful. The bright lights from the screen dance across her face, making patterns and shapes that leave her looking like something out of a dream. 

 

She's beautiful and Bucky wants to love her. 

 

She turns to her side and their eyes meet, “It's good, isn't it?” Darcy asks, her voice softer than normal. 

 

Bucky nods, “Yes.” 

 

Sam and Steve make their way to the living room by the time Dorothy reaches Oz, neither of the men say anything when they see Bucky and Darcy sitting close to each other despite the spacious room in the couch. 

 

“That was weird,” Sam states, after the movie ends, and Steve nods enthusiastically. 

 

Darcy laughs at the look on their faces and Bucky might even crack a grin or two. 

 

*********

 

A month passes by and Bucky doesn't see Darcy around anymore, he walks by Tony's workshop, trying to be inconspicuous but Stark is no fool. 

 

“She didn't tell you?” he asks. 

 

Bucky shrugs, because it took him three days to even notice that Darcy wasn't around anymore. 

 

“She's with Jane in Europe, helping with some new scientific theory,” Tony says, “she didn't say when she'd be back,” and Stark looks a little sad, but Bucky's not sure if it's for Bucky or himself. 

 

“Okay,” he says, and walks back to his room. 

 

The days pass without incident, he's getting better, Steve even says so one day after their morning jog. Bucky's starting to feel like a real person again, he's asking for things, he's more comfortable around everyone. He has a new notebook where he writes down wishes, or good things that happened to him that day. 

 

_ I pet a dog today.  _

 

_ Sherry from the diner gave me an extra cookie.  _

 

_ I made Steve laugh till tears were coming outta his eyes.  _

 

But nothing good ever lasts. 

 

One morning he’s down in Tony's workshop, letting the other man tinker with his arm, one of Stark’s robots knocks over a jug of something and Tony starts yelling and it smells familiar but Bucky can't quite place it. 

 

_ It's fuel.  _

 

_ It smells like death.  _

 

_ It smells like burning.  _

 

He turns to look at Tony, who's still shouting and berating at the robot, and it's like a switch goes off in his head, he shuts down all the way, and Bucky isn't home anymore. 

 

Later he watches the video, he watches as Tony tries and fails to get him back to himself. He watches as Steve comes in and Bucky loses it, he watches as Steve becomes his mission once again. It's bloody and violent and loud, and it takes fifteen agents as well as Tony in his suit to get him fully sedated. A doctor walks in and Bucky cries and sobs as he presses a needle to his arm. 

 

He's not sure how long he sleeps but when he wakes, it's in a hospital bed. His arms and legs strapped down, the room has windows on all four sides and he wonders who was put on watch duty. Bucky only lets a couple of tears escape his eyes as he struggles against his bonds, his mouth feels gritty and he feels like he hasn't showered in a month. He takes a deep breath and lets out a whimper when Darcy throws the door open. Her eyes are red rimmed and her lower lip looks swollen, like she's been spending hours biting at it. 

 

She takes one look at him and starts sobbing, her whole body shakes as she steps up to his side, “Hey, shhh-- don't cry, doll,” he tries comforting her, but it only makes her cry harder. 

 

Her small hands clamber against the straps across his chest, and to his peripheral he sees Steve stand in the doorway, “Darcy,” the other man says, his tone full of censure. 

 

But she ignores him, instead she pulls and tugs with all her strength, “They-- they showed me what happened,” she says in between shuddering breaths, “I can't see you like this,” she tells him, just as she gets all the straps away from his body. 

 

Bucky sits up and Darcy stands in the space between his knees, “I’m sorry I didn't say I was leaving,” she says, her eyes still glassy with tears. 

 

“It's okay.” 

 

She leans up and wraps her arms around his neck, her forehead against his shoulder, she hugs him tightly and Bucky wraps his own arms around her waist. He tries to be gentle but she's there and he squeezes so hard that Darcy lets out a little huff of air that lets Bucky know to ease up a bit. 

 

He stays for a while in the med bay, as a doctor checks his vitals, Darcy holding his hand the entire time. 

 

***************

 

Two days later Darcy finds him in his room, he's not asleep, just laying in bed, staring up at the ceiling. He hears Steve open the door and direct her to his room. 

 

“Steve let me in,” she says, softly, the light from the moon shining against her face. 

 

“I heard,” he responds. 

 

She stands by the door and wrings her hands, “I want to show you something.” 

 

“Okay.” 

 

“You should put on a shirt though, maybe a jacket, and some shoes,” she tells him, as she turns around and walks out of his room. 

 

He finds Darcy standing in the living room after he puts on a sweatshirt and boots, her eyes gazing at all the drawings Steve has had framed and put up on the walls. Drawings of Brooklyn the way it used to be, Peggy, The Howling Commandos, even one of Bucky, a closeup of his hands. 

 

“He's good,” Darcy says. 

 

“Yeah, he always was.” 

 

Darcy smiles at him and without preamble, she grabs hold of his metal hand, “Come on, we're going on a field trip.” 

 

Bucky doesn't ask where to, because if she hasn't told him, it's for a reason. Instead he just lets her drag him through the compound, the few people milling around, giving them curious glances. She leads him outside and to a raised platform a few hundred feet away from the main building; Stark had it built with Thor in mind, a place where he could arrive from his trips to Asgard. 

 

Darcy climbs up ahead of him and when he reaches the top, she's laying on her back, legs crossed at the ankle. She gives him a wry grin when he tilts his head in question. 

 

“I miss looking at the stars,” she says, “back in New Mexico, that's  _ all  _ we did. But then we went to London and you could hardly see the sky in the city.” 

 

Bucky looks at her and he's not sure what he feels. Something like warmth spreading from his chest, something like nerves in the pit of his stomach, Darcy has something good inside her, and for the first time in a very long time, Bucky wants to be a part of it too. 

 

He walks towards her and lays on his back as well, his shoulder touching hers, she's quiet and still, just the sound of their breathing and the sounds of the calm night surrounding them. 

  
Darcy sits up and Bucky watches as she takes her ipod out of her coat pocket, she sticks an earphone in one of her ears as she lays back down, pressing the other one into his ear. Bucky can hear their record playing, and by this time it is definitely  _ theirs.  _ They lay there until the last song is finished playing, at one point Darcy slides her hand into his and Bucky doesn't let go. 

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by the entirety of the Pink Floyd album 'The Dark Side of The Moon,' the themes on The Dark Side of the Moon include conflict, greed, the passage of time, and mental illness. It's one of my favorite albums and I really think Bucky would enjoy it, the lyrics are amazing and the music transports you to a different place. 
> 
> Dark Side of the Rainbow – also known as Dark Side of Oz or The Wizard of Floyd, is actually a real thing. For some weird cosmic reason the album goes really well with certain parts of the movie, you can watch it here if you're interested vimeo.com/46682047
> 
> And to address Bucky's trigger, I once watched a documentary where returning veterans from Afghanistan/Iraq talked about things that triggered them, and one of the men talked about how the smell of fuel would automatically take him back to an instance where a humvee was blown up in front of him, very tragic and it just makes you feel for all those experiencing ptsd.


End file.
